Hello my lovelies. As you may have noticed, I’ve been a bit absent for awhile. It’s Truth Bomb time. I am not okay right now.
I feel like I should explain why I chose the name for this post. My friend and I decided that we were going to use the word Hippopotamus for days when we are struggling. So it fits the mood lately.
I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m a mess. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I have a special needs child. I have zero self esteem. I feel like I need to put this out there: I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for attention. My blog is my safe space where I share everything. So I’m sharing my struggles with you guys.
I’ve posted before about self care, my anxiety, and my kiddo. So for those of you that read my blog frequently, you know all of these things. You know that I’m not okay sometimes. But you also know that most days are great.
I have to be completely honest right now, I’m having a hard time functioning. Mental illness is real. It’s a day to day struggle that for the most part, I have control over it. But recently, it’s has hit me hard in the face. I’m struggling with getting out of bed in the morning. I’m anxious all the time. I’m sad about everything. I’m struggling to find the joy in every day. I’m having a hard time writing down even one positive thought every day.
For me, anxiety doesn’t ever go away. But it’s manageable – most of the time. I take vitamins to take the edge off, I let myself handle it however I need to. I’ve realized that my anxiety likes to take control of my shopping habits. Yep, you heard that right. My shopping addiction is directly tied to anxiety. I shop when I’m anxious, when I’m overwhelmed, and when my brain is overloaded. Anxiety and I are in a love hate relationship. Mostly hate. But, I have to be honest sometimes, Anxiety Jenn buys some amazing things. So I can forgive her for draining my bank account. Anxiety Jenn spends a lot of time buying clothes and stickers I don’t really need. But she will be forgiven if they all fit. Stickers make us both happy. So mostly I’m okay with it.
Let’s chat about Gloomy Jenn. She struggles with depression. She struggles with self worth. She can’t commit to anything. She cries a lot. She just plain struggles to function. Gloomy Jenn hides in bed. She shuts people out. She doesn’t think before she speaks. She can’t function at a normal level. Why? Because depression is a liar. It’s a thief. It hides until it’s ready to make its presence known again. When it hits you, it hits you hard and no matter how many times people tell you that you are worth it, that you are good, that they love you, you don’t believe it. Gloomy Jenn is an asshole. So is Anxiety Jenn, but not as much. Gloomy Jenn cannot handle anything. She gets overwhelmed, she throws tantrums, she sleeps too much, she eats too much, she even hurts peoples feelings.
I am actually a great person though. I swear. I love to help others. I almost always puts others first. Most of the time I am a great mom. I’m is an empath. My actual personality gets over shadowed by the crap that Anxiety Jenn and Gloomy Jenn do. I know that therapy is probably what I need. But I really don’t want to. Facing my messy does not sound fun. Maybe it’s time though. I guess we will see.
The point I was trying to make is I’m not okay. But eventually I will be. I just wanted to share what was happening in my world right now. Sometimes, I just need to talk about what’s eating at me.
Thanks for listening my friends.
Note: My hope is that someone, somewhere reads this and realizes they are not alone. If you need to talk, reach out. It can save your life.